The following is a tutorial in how to get publishable experimental results. The scene is set prior to the publication of Neil E. Klepeis, Wayne R. Ott, and Paul Switzer, 2007. Real-Time Measurement of Outdoor Tobacco Smoke Particles. Journal of the Air & Waste Management Association, vol. 57, p. 522–534. The scenarios/experiments below are NOT very different than what is actually in the study... though some of the pyrotechnics may be a bit larger than life. (Main Personas: Stanley Rantz, Jamie Disgrace, and Bob Godwill) Disgrace: OK... we need to come up with some kind of scientifical sounding research to justify these outdoor smoking bans. Too many people are laughing at us and my students keep giving me raspberries behind my back when I'm drawing funny pictures of smokers on the blackboard! Rantz: Hmmm... ok... how about this... we've got a few million dollars still sitting in this year's budget that we haven't been able to give away to ANYone because we're all getting pushed into that nasty top tax bracket. But if we DON'T use it all we won't be able to demand a bigger budget next year! Soooo.... let's do an experiment with some really expensive measuring equipment and show how bad it is to be around outdoor smokers! Godwill: Er... one problem... the machines aren't expensive enough to use up all the money! Rantz: OK... look, there are five different KINDS of machines. Let's get one of EACH !!! Disgrace: Good idea! ::scene cut:: Rantz: OK... we're all set now. Bob, you get to wear the machine sniffer- thingie right here on the end of your nose while you sit at this table. Now we'll have a cigarette sitting at this table over here five feet away from you and see how it goes.... Disgrace: Damn! Zero reading. :/ Rantz: Hmmm... maybe it's the wind direction... OK... Bob, try to move to a table so you're sitting directly where the smoke will blow in your face. OK... that's good... Disgrace: Damn! Still can't get a reading big enough to measure. Rantz: ::sigh:: OK... it's all this AIR moving around out here causing the problem. Bob, pretend you just got to an outdoor diner and there are five smokers all sitting in a circle around one empty table in the middle. Now go sit there and let's see what we measure.... Ahhh! Finally! We're getting a reading showing that if you sit in the middle of a filled up smoking section that you might breathe some smoke accidentally. Disgrace: Hmm.. it's still not enough to say anything bad about though... Look, let's move all the smokers' tables together so they're all touching each other in a circle. Now Bob, climb over the tables and sit on that little chair in the middle, just pretend it's the last available chair in the whole dining area and you don't really want a table of your own, OK? Disgrace: Hmm... Damn! The readings are STILL too small. ::sigh:: these tables are just too BIG! The smelly icky smokers are still too far away! Godwill: Well... er... the tables are just standard 30" tables boss. Disgrace: I DON"T CARE! Get me some SMALLER tables! 20" ones! 15" ones! 10" ones!! We'll lick this problem yet! Rantz: Bob, I know you can't sit down now, so just stand in that little circle. Now, you smokers: you see where Bob's nose is? I want each of you to light a cigarette and hold it just 10" from his nose. Yes, you, right in front... 10". You two by his ears, about 8" from his ears. And you guys in the back just about 3" away... Goooooood! Now everybody light up!!! ::Mix Rantz and Disgrace with Godwill screamings:: AARRRGGHHHH!!! HELLLLPPP!!!! Get the FIRE EXTINGUISHER! Bob's HAIR is on fire!!! ::sprayspraysoaksoak:: ::bandagebandage:: Rantz: (Will someone PLEASE give Bob a tranquilizer!) OK Bob, we need you to do it one more time. Now this time you don't HAVE any hair so you don't have to worry about it going on fire, you'll be fine! Disgrace? Disgrace??? Where ARE you Disgrace???? Disgrace: Whoops... sorry... I thought I saw a little tornado over in that flower pot and I was chasing it. OK! At last! We're getting some decent readings on what could happen to an innocent nonsmoker outdoors in a typical situation standing in the middle of a tiny circle of people chain smoking! We'll make Bob stand there for 10 whole minutes, measure what he breathes, and call this a "Cigarette Event". Rantz: Now ... hmm... let's do some figuring... OK! If Bob came to this diner 9 times a day and stood in the middle of tight little circles of chain smokers he'd be breathing something that would almost sort of be like something in the air of a place like New York or Philadelphia or Cleveland or something. Disgrace: OK! Time to write up the press release! Hmmm... Hmm... darn, these numbers STILL aren't impressive enough. Look, let's move this all into the living room and close up the windows to get rid of all this goddam AIR that's fouling us up. Godwill: Er.... Boss? isn't this whole study about OUTdoor smoking? Rantz: Look twit, if I wanted your opinion I'd give it to you. We'll go indoors and just SIMULATE outdoor smoke with some fans, OK? Sheeeesh, it's the same damn thing and simulations are ALWAYS more like scientifical modeling anyway! I used to simulate being a cardiologist ya know! Disgrace: OK.... Bob, stand in that circle again! Gentlemen FIRE UP THOSE CIGGIES! Hold them close! Closer!! CLOSER DAMN YOU!!! Ahhh.... OK... good... we're getting some fine readings now! Godwill: Look Boss, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it would really help our press release if you could show readings like this from being around just ONE smoker instead of five. Rantz: ::sigh:: Bob, you are SUCH a stickler! You spend too much time over on that Siegel blog! OK.... Look Bob, just sit here. Now look, I'm going to burn this cigarette 15" in front of your face here for 10 minutes with this little fan blowing the smoke right in your face. Yes, I know it's uncomfortable but we'll give you an oxygen bottle and you'll be fine.... just squint your eyes a bit and DON'T MOVE!!! Disgrace: GREAT! WONDERFUL reading! Look at those numbers! Whow!!! Just from being exposed to ONE SMOKER in a simulated verisimilitudinalacious outdoorsy environment! Bob, you ready for one more reading? ::BOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!:: ::Mix of all:: OH MY GODDD!!! BOB's oxygen bottle just EXPLODED!!!! I ***TOLD*** you guys to be careful with those cigarettes! Someone call the Surgeon General!!! ::scene cut:: Rantz: Well, let's look on the good side. We've now proven that secondhand smoke kills people and we FINALLY have a death certificate for evidence! ***Another Great Peer Reviewed Scientifical Study by Rantz, Disgrace, and Godwill!*** {As reported by Science News Undercover Operative, Michael J. McFadden}