For those who would turn our lovely lives into the spoils of tyranny, the biggest problem is that they must fill themselves with ridiculous rhetoric, absurd proclamations and hysterical zealotry. You, Dear Reader, are forewarned that opponents of the "nanny state" take advantage of the lunacy of the banning craze, antismoking and all that jazz. Moreover, be warned that some of the links to off-site articles do employ...erm, colorful language. Many of the articles are satirical; however, some of the funnies are taken from actual news stories. Alas, the difference is sometimes imperceptible.
Enjoy!!!
psssst Maybe later we'll play "Pin the Tail on the Surgeon General"? Maybe.A friend from the F2C forum and FORCES Tavern did these and they are awesome! (I can't believe I just said "awesome".) Good lookin', good humor and really good points being made. Trust me when I say that you WILL enjoy these....LOL, we have ways of making you enjoy videos... *wink*
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A friend from Forces International and Freedom2Choose gives us this amusingly accurate depiction of antismoking complainers:
And Now For The News.
This just in....
| AIRPORT ATTACKERS TO BE CHARGED UNDER ANTI-SMOKING LAWS
TWO men who drove a lit car into the main concourse at Glasgow Airport are to be charged under Scotland's tough anti-smoking laws. Throwing petrol bombs while pregnant may harm your baby. The attackers were caught on CCTV as they lit-up a four litre Jeep Cherokee and then allowed it to burn in an enclosed public place. Eyewitness Janice Bramble, 34, from Girvan, said: "Not only was the car emitting smoke but one of the men lit-up a petrol bomb right in front of me." "It's incredibly rude. Why should I have to go home with my clothes stinking of petrol bombs?" Scotland has some of the toughest anti-smoking laws in Europe with penalties including the cat o' nine tails, death by lions and a £50 fine. Maureen Moore, director of Ash Scotland, said: "Emitting smoke is a form of terrorism. Yes it is, shut up." She added: "Petrol bombs contain 275 known carcinogens, and that's just the petrol." "If people want to throw petrol bombs they should do so in their own living rooms when the children have gone to bed." Detective Inspector Bill McKay said: "This incident may seem like nothing more than playful high-jinx, but we take smoking in public places very seriously indeed." (Courtesy of Mike McFadden via UK Smokers Rights) |
| Michael J McFadden is a seasoned reporter of the strange anomalies in the antismoking movement. Author of Dissecting Antismokers' Brains, McFadden is also known for his keen insight into the strange science of antismokers. |
In other late-breaking news...
WinstonSmith reporting live from Peru where all antismoking has broken loose....I'm sorry, WinstonSmith, we've lost our feed....Feed! Feed! We need more feed! Winston, get back to the plow fields and bring in more feed! Tom, do we still have the story?
Yes, Mike, this story is too important to lose.
| BIG TOBACCO BEHIND DEADLY METEOR
WinstonSmith News. Wednesday September 19, 2007 Tina Reskom, WinstonSmith News writer LIMA, Peru - Tobacco executives are denying that they conspired to launch a meteor at the Earth, causing hundreds of Peruvians to feel ill after being exposed to "space fumes". "This is typical of the tobacco industry," said Don Asstaff, director of WACKOS," or "We're Against Capitalists Keeping Our Subsidy". "Toxic fumes that make people ill without a logical explanation are a tobacco industry calling card. There is no denying it." Earlier in the week, speculation loomed everywhere. Many questioned whether a meteor had struck the Earth at all, and many whispered that complaints of symptoms were psychosomatic. This was quickly refuted, though. The similarities between the symptoms of those exposed to the meteor with the symptoms of those exposed to secondhand smoke compelled experts on the scene to reach the undeniable scientific consensus that tobacco companies had purposely fired the meteor at the nation of Peru. There was some early debate as to whether blaming tobacco companies for the meteor was rational, but any question regarding the matter seemed to come from fringe groups, who many speculate are funded by the industry itself. The situation became clear when it was revealed that many international space agencies have underground financial ties to the tobacco industry. "The debate is over," Asstaff said after a long lunch with representatives from the World Health Organization, who judged the debate. "There is an irrefutable scientific consensus that tobacco companies conspired to fire a meteor at Peru." Criminal charges are pending. In the meantime, though, Asstaff will be pursuing a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the tobacco industry for the nefarious meteor strike. In response to the incident, the San Francisco city council will be considering a law that will make it illegal for a meteor to strike San Francisco. Under the proposed ordinance, meteors striking the city will be fined $500.00. Asstaff said that he applauded the proposed ordinance and hoped that it would pass, thereby keeping kids from being struck by meteors, an occurrence that not only kills, but has been historically proven to wipe out all forms of life on Earth. The World Health Organization has estimated that 30,000 children die each year from tobacco related space object exposure, and it is second only to secondhand smoke as the leading cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. When a tobacco spokesperson was reached for comment on the incident, she said "The tobacco industry opposes all meteors, asteroids and comets and we hope to cooperate with all governmental authorities to protect children from tobacco related space object exposure, but we deny any and all involvement in this incident." "That's so typical of them," Astaff said in response. "Space object exposure kills and has been clearly linked to big tobacco. Only a fool would deny their involvement." |
| http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,297369,00.html http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7002506.stm http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5isWWHSxCh_u0yUNU9Gpk1qfg996A |
Thank you, Tom. Frightening story. In more news, we have the upcoming death of a man from secondhand smoke. Despite many unhealthy choices in his life, the cause will definitely be secondhand smoke. Man's Impending Death To Be Caused By Second Hand Smoke, from Eric Blair, FORCES Staff Writer.
Our Religion Correspondent has this to report:
A local minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms. |
Words to live by, Jennifer.
Mmmm, yes, they are, Bob.
In Economic news, more jobs were lost from yet another smoking ban. As reported in New Smoking Ban Costing Jobs (by Seth Seymour, October 4, 2007):| Tennessee's new smoking ban is doing more than just keeping people from lighting up. It's leaving some without jobs. Meet 18-year-old Jamie Perdue and 19-year-old Nicole Saputa. Both are old enough to serve alcohol, and both can legally buy cigarettes. But now, under Tennessee's new smoking ban, neither are old enough to be employed by a bar that allows smoking inside. ... "If you're under 21," Jamie said, "you know what you're getting into, you know there's smoke, you're willing to take that health risk to work here, and I think it should be allowed." |
In the International news, US forces invaded Iraq and began an antismoking campaign, headed by James Haveman. According to the Washington Post, "He urged the Health Ministry to mount an anti-smoking campaign, and he assigned an American from the CPA team -- who turned out to be a closet smoker himself -- to lead the public education effort."
Another smoking ban in Middle East was pushed in Afganistan. According to Reuters UK, "War-torn Afghanistan produces over 90 percent of the world's heroin and despite the government's repeated efforts, backed by force and tens of millions of dollars from donor countries, drugs cultivation and consumption is rising each year." Well, let's hope those people can quit smoking, Bob!
*Bob nods and smiles.*
And, now for the Inter-galactic News. Molly McQueen reports in Have Aliens Taken Over our Pubs? Molly?
Thank you, Jennifer. I have here with me UFOlogist Penny Lovehandles, who examines the strange, new alien species that pub landlords believe have invaded English pubs. *turns to a small woman with curlers in her hair* Ms. Lovehandles, you've written about your theory in the monthly publication 'UFO NOW'. Can you tell us more about it? "Yes, of course. These so-called 'people' display certain characteristics that we more normally associate with extra-terrestrials than with bona fide earthfolk. A reluctance to communicate verbally, an apparent distaste for alcohol and an irrational fear of cigarette smoke are classic traits of alien lifeforms. The evidence just keeps on mounting." *McQueen turns to a 19 yr old barmaid, Samantha Perm* "Do you agree" "I think they might really be from outer space. It's like they've read about going to pubs, but they haven't actually seen it done. So they go to the pub and have a pint. And that's it. And it's like they've just suddenly appeared. From nowhere." *Sam's colleague, a 24-year-old barmaid, Debbie Ayre-Head, concurs* "And they don't always just sit. Sometimes, a couple of them will have a game of darts. But even then they don't swear, so, yes, I think they probably are aliens." |
So, ETS has been replaced by ETs, Molly?
Mmm, yes, it has, Bob.
*Bob tucks his antenae behind his plastic ears.*
Problems plagued the Colorado's legislature attempt to outlaw smoking. As journalist Bill Johnson reported, Smoke ban inspires 'who's on 1st' routine
North Dakota voted against criminalizing tobacco sales and use by an 88-4 vote, as reported in NORTH DAKOTA LEGISLATURE: Tobacco ban gets lit up in House. According to the Grand Forks Herald:
| [Rep. Wes] Belter told the House that committee members were frustrated last week with the testimony from anti-tobacco groups that testified against the tobacco ban, including the North Dakota Medical Association, American Heart Association, American Cancer Society, American Lung Association, North Dakota Public Health Association and North Dakota Nurses Association.
There's no evidence banning tobacco would prevent and reduce tobacco use because no such approach has been implemented, the groups argued. The ban also could take away certain funding for these groups for tobacco control programs. |
*Bob nods and smiles.*
In an upset to the Presidential race, arrest warrants were issued for Congressman Ron Paul and his cohorts--Franklin, Jefferson and Madison--today, as reported by The Spoof, known for its cutting-edge reporting on the unintended consequences of the English smoking ban. Paul is charged with conspiring against the Nanny State of Affairs by promoting what he calls, quote, the U.S. Constitution, unquote.
A disturbing idea, Jennifer.
Mmmm, yes it is, Bob.
In Health news today, legislators have finally found a way to pay-off Big PhRMA using tobacco profits. The plan is to make universal healthcare mandatory for everyone while the majority of Americans seek alternative healthcare. Funding for children's healthcare, SCHIP or VCHIP or something like that, will be provided by tobacco taxes. As explained by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, "Without a growing population of smokers, we won't have enough cash to fund these increases in the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP), and we would have to raise other taxes. This bill would provide federal matching dollars to create an advertising campaign through the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) to get more seniors to consider the joys of tobacco in their waning years." He added, "if you're almost at the end of your days anyway, why not smoke? Not only will septuagenarians get the satisfying buzz of nicotine, but they'll have the warm feeling of knowing their addiction is helping to keep poor kids healthy." Additional funding will be provided by the sale of t-shirts with the slogan, "Buying cigarettes pays for children's medical insurance. Purchase tobacco today!"
Oh, this is good news, Jennifer.
Mmmm, yes it is, Bob. And, it's very popular. Even Iowa Legislative Leaders Look to Cigarette Tax to Provide Revenues for Universal Health Care Coverage.
In a related story in Entertainment news, Rush Limbaugh recommends an alternative to a 1,000,000% increase in tobacco taxes. He states that tobacco taxes for children's programs should be replaced by taxes on other items, such as vanilla ice cream, Doritos, Coke, Pepsi, 7-Up, Red Bull, Snickers, cartoons and diapers--with an additional ten dollar tax on disposable diapers. He is quoted as saying: "That's why I've said for years, the cigarette smokers of this country deserve our thanks. They deserve congressional medals of honor because they continue to buy these things and their taxes are funding children's health programs already."
So, he thinks that children healthcare should be funded by taxes on products that children consume and become addicted to. But I didn't realize that antismokers' wore diapers.
Mmmm, yes it is, Bob.
In other Entertainment news, the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) attempted to appease antismoking crusaders by requiring movies that depict smoking to be rated "R" for "Restricted". One alert movie-goer sees some problems with the policy in A RANT on The MPAA and Smoking.
Speaking of children, our "Ruled By Giant Children" correspondent reports:
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New Survey shows New Yorkers Love the Smoking Ban More Than Anything Else in the Whole Wide World
New Yorker are crazy about their smoking ban. In a poll released today by Toddlers For a Smoke Free New York, it was found that New Yorkers like the smoking Ban better than everything. 70% of the respondents said they have a favorable view of the ban. When asked about anything else they held a less favorable opinion. The Beatles only got a 65% favorable rating. "These are astounding numbers" said Russ Sciandra, president of the antismoking group responsible for the poll. "Don't you get it? If the ban is more popular than the Beatles and the Beatles are more popular than Jesus, then the smoking Ban is more popular than Jesus. Now granted, critics are going to say that our poll was biased but I say nonsense. Maybe we weren't specific about which era of the Beatles, mop tops or psychedelic, but who cares? The people have spoken and they like the smoking ban better everything in this world. The media buys this and that's all that matters, right?" In an earlier poll the ban was shown to be more popular than the Yankees. When asked about this fans on line at the Yankee stadium box office put it this way. "We're OK with the Yankees, but that smoking ban, IT'S GREAT!" As a matter of fact many die hard Yankee fans were lamenting all the years they wasted rooting for the Yankees when it was the smoking ban that really got their juices going all along. A few had their faces painted with the international No smoking sign of a slash through a cigarette. The poll featured asked questions like "Do you think it is right for smokers to stink up the place and endanger the health of every living being on this planet or do you support the Smoke Free Air Act?" A followup to this question was, "Are you a total Scumbag and support smokers who will shorten your lifespan by decades?" The poll which was commissioned by the group Toddlers for a Smoke Free New York has a margin of error of about 5% and a believability factor of 0%. |
Our Health Education Report tonight interviews Big Brother.
*Bob faints.*
Mmmm, yes it is, Bob.
And, that's the news for tonight. From all of us at DTB TV, good night and good luck.
Alas, the South Park video on antismoking is no longer available on YouTube. (Not surprisingly due to a breach of terms of use.) However, humor at the expense of rAntis is all over the web. Some of those gems can be offered here.
| FORCES | Humour amongst the Frauds | |
| The Hittman Chronicles | A Well-developed Humour Page | |
| The Smoker Magazine | Name Three WebMistress: Make special note of Repace in the Name Three. | |
| Miscellaneous | Spiked Online - 'New Labour flushed liberty down the toilet' Government anti-smoking ads banned Are you sitting comfortably? The nanny state certainly hopes you are, with 'useful' tips that are enough to drive you potty WebMistress: That last one is from Scotland! Scotland!!! That's land where people were traipsing through waist-high thistles before trousers were invented! They're tough! They're SCOTTISH! What happened? Churches incensed by 'stop smoking' signs WebMistress: One bishop reportedly blessed the undesirable "No Smoking" sign...with smoking incense! You can even see a picture of the blessed event in Vicar blesses smoke ban sign in protest 101 ways to respond when someone asks you to put your cigar out... Hitler T-shirt sparks fury (Herald Sun -- Australian) Fags: it ain't so black and white (Sydney Morning Herald) Hostility proven to hurt your lungs Webmistress: The following quote from the above lungs article shows that the hostility of antismokers is MORE damaging to the people around them than secondhand smoke:
Just Say No to Toast Campaign - brought to you by JunkfoodScience Mad council stokes fag-ban fire -- Begins with, "BARMY council officials ordered a pub to shut its windows to stop cigarette smoke drifting INSIDE." Supposing ... Snipers were brought in to shoot smokers from Charlie Brooker in the The Guardian (Friday February 17, 2006). Alas, even just since last February, attitudes toward people who smoke have escalated to the point that this is easily classified as dark humor. Campuswide smoke ban follows flawless logic (10/02/07). Concludes with, "In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that the passage of a campuswide smoking ban is the most logical, easily enforceable, non-intrusive, totally necessary and most deserving use of University time and money. Additionally, I am certain that a disturbing number of Purdue students will have to look up the word 'satire.'" Excellent. *smiles* |